Having read this, and taking into account the recent pattern of severe misbehavior, I've decided that Arizona doesn't deserve nice things and I am officially withdrawing my long-running support for keeping the Coyotes there. Go ahead, Winnipeg, they're all yours. Just don't start pulling racist shit.
However, we need a little balance to keep the "Make it Seven, Eh" dorks from getting cocky, so phase two of my plan is to move the Calgary Flames to Portland. The Flames are the NHL's blandest team and no one outside of Alberta is aware that they exist, so the impact should be minimal. They could even remain in their current division. This will also serve me well if I should move to the Pacific Northwest at some point.
Easy-peasy. I'm available for consulting on all of your problems, and I charge reasonable rates.