Thursday, July 27, 2006

Post Recycling

Yesterday's post left me a bit unsatisfied -- a feeling that I'd failed to say what I wanted, but also that I didn't know what I wanted to say.

As I think I've mentioned before (I'm too lazy to search through the archives), since moving away from Boulder, it's weighed on my consciousness cyclically: I go between extreme nostalgia for the place and saying "I've moved forward." It's rather ridiculous -- seven years on, I've had plenty of good times in the intervening years, plenty of interesting experiences. So, why am I still mooning over Boulder, Colorado, 1996-1999 like it was my first girlfriend?

One part is obvious -- it is my hometown. And returning there during that period, as an adult (legally if not mentally) reconciled me with the place after some unhappy teenage years.

I think, also, it was an idyllic time, an airlock in between youth and adulthood. I've said previously (ok, I did search) that it was the last time of my life when I could just sit there for a few hours, drinking wine, and not worry about anything -- a time when I had the privileges of an adult while still holding on to the irresponsibility of the college years, when I could ditch work to go sit at the James Pub (long gone now, alas) drinking Guinness.

There's also a disquieting sense, when I think of Boulder, that I've allowed myself to be left behind. My three closest friends from that era are all now married -- I still consider it a colossal achievement if I date the same woman for more than two weeks. It's silly, I know -- I've done plenty on the non-romantic front -- but we tend to focus on our shortcomings rather than our achievements, don't we?

Really, though, I think of that period as "Boulder" for me -- a snapshot of 1996 to 1999 now defines the city, and every little change is a little piece out of my heart, whether it be one more friend leaving or one more old favorite pub closing (and there aren't that many of either, any more). I really wouldn't want to go back to the way things were; thank God, I've grown up some in the past seven years, and some of my behavior back then makes me cringe. But I'll always miss it.

Have a feeling I've said much of this before. Apologies -- these have been moody days, unaccountably. This is what happens when the hockey world goes quiet.


Anonymous said...

You're scarin' me, tossing around that "m" word like that!

Still it beats hockey. ;)


gsdgsd13 said...

For the love of God, don't worry about that. I didn't mean to imply that I'm feeling the vacancy -- rather just that these other three people have taken that step, and the odd one out is very noticeable.

But still, really, don't worry.